I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
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im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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