I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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