I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You have to summon your inner elephant
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
