i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
