how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
