At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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