What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
