Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
