Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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