She's JV to your varsity
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
