The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
