Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
