He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
