It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
