before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
