I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
