Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
3pm strippers are depressing
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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