I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!