I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Randomize
