I will die if light touches me.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
