I wish I could teleport
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
