Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm getting married
To pizza
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
