yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
