Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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