I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
