my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
