Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
