I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
