It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
