I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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