i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
