Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
