I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
