You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
