I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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