I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
