i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
