Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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