I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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