all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
