Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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