oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
