the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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