Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
