just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
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