Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
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My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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