Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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