so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
