Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
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i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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