so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She bit a glass in half.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
