OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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