Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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