I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
