You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
