Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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