I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
