I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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